After venturing through the wasteland of modern dating, it would be natural to harbor disdain for social comparison. Dating apps require you to stand out, which means you can’t just be yourself; you need to sell yourself as more appealing than the 50,000 sexy singles in your area. Putting yourself on display and knowing you’re being compared to others can feel exhausting. But once you’ve swiped right, matched, and established a lasting romantic relationship, surely the social comparisons are all in the rearview mirror…right?

That couldn’t be further from the truth. Research suggests we compare ourselves to romantic partners more than anyone else in our lives—on average several times per day. In my own studies, I’ve endeavored to unpack these daily partner comparisons to understand: What kinds of people make partner comparisons, and why? The answer, it seems, depends on the type of comparisons partners are making: either based on our unique abilities, or on the opinions we hold. The good news: Comparisons can offer a learning opportunity and even bring us closer together as partners.

Who’s doing better?

Many partner comparisons revolve around who is better at a given activity—also known as “ability-based comparisons.” These comparisons can range from trivial (Who’s the better bowler?) to weighty (Who’s the better parent?).

In my latest study with collaborators Robin Edelstein and Stephen Garcia, we studied patterns in who makes more of these ability-based comparisons. We surveyed over 1,100 U.S. adults in romantic relationships, asking them questions about how regularly they compare themselves to their partners. For instance, one question asked them, “To what extent do you pay a lot of attention to how you do things relative to how your significant other does things?” Participants also completed measures of self-esteem, relationship quality, and demographics.

The results were clear: People who were younger, those with lower self-esteem, and those in shorter and less satisfying relationships were particularly likely to make ability-based comparisons. Men in relationships with men also reported making more of these comparisons than any other gender pairing, but we only surveyed 37 men in same-gender relationships, so take this finding with a grain of salt.

Does my partner think differently?

A second type of comparison involves comparing judgments and attitudes—known as “opinion-based comparisons.” In these comparisons, people evaluate their own opinions by comparing with those of their partners. For instance, before enthusiastically locking in a major purchase, a partner might wonder, “Would my partner consider this a good deal, too?” Similar considerations may arise in the contexts of voting, child care, or anywhere judgments lead to decisions.

When it came to who was most prone to making opinion-based comparisons, our results flipped: These were most common among people in longer and more satisfying relationships.

The equity-assessor and the self-improver

Taken together, these individual characteristics paint two portraits of people who frequently compare themselves to their partners.

The first portrait is that of a young, insecure partner who is in a newer relationship and unsure whether that relationship will work out. Think Bella Swan from Twilight who worries endlessly about whether Edward is too good for her. And, indeed, when we asked participants why they made partner comparisons, two of their motives included assessing equity and predicting the relationship’s trajectory. For instance, participants grappled with questions like, “Am I doing for her as she is doing for me?”

The second portrait is that of someone in a long-term relationship who respects the knowledge and expertise of their partner and seeks to harness it as a tool for growth and decision making. For this one, think Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec who regularly compares her own judgments to those of her long-term work wife, Ann Perkins, as a means to make better decisions. This theme, too, emerged from our participants. For instance, one participant lovingly wrote about how his partner outshines him in most areas, and this dynamic continually inspires him to grow.

Understanding me and you

Yet partner comparison isn’t limited to these two portraits. Whereas these portraits describe those who compare most frequently, we found most people make some comparisons sometimes. What motivates occasional comparers?

The two most common motives for partner comparison were striving to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and one’s partner. With respect to self-evaluation, one participant shared that they compare regularly to their partner because comparison helps them benchmark their progress toward goals. Want to know if your cooking class has paid off? One of the best ways to evaluate your growth is to see if your latest dish can delight your family in the same way that your partner’s cooking always does.

Partner comparisons can also help us understand our partners’ quirks, what we call partner evaluation. For instance, one participant shared how she compares her upbringing to that of her partner, which helps her understand why her partner thinks, feels, and behaves so differently than she does.

Partner comparison is a tool

It’s no secret that social comparison can sting. No parent wants to hear, “I like Mom better,” and no newlywed wants to hear, “How did you land such a catch?” We find in our studies that partner comparisons are often involuntarily thrust upon people who would have preferred not to be compared. It can be true what they say, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

But comparison does more than push our emotional buttons. Partner comparisons help us assess our relationship and calibrate our behavior, such as how we divide household labor. They allow us to make important decisions, like who should take ownership over responsibilities. They serve as sources of growth, and they teach us about ourselves and our partners.

Comparing yourself to your partner isn’t necessarily a sign that something’s wrong. Rather, partner comparison can be a handy strategy for making sense of your social world. The key is to use it as a tool that stays in its place, rather than letting it undermine your self-worth or relationship.

Serena D’souza contributed to this article.